


It's Complicated

by Sira



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 03:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6782719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sira/pseuds/Sira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What could have happened after 'A Hundred Days'. Jack mourns the loss of the life he has gotten used to on Edora, the loss of Laira while he tries to deal with his complicated feelings for Sam at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [canadianfolk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadianfolk/gifts).



> This story was written for the wonderful canadianfolk! One day I'll write you a really good story, I'm sure. :)
> 
> My eternal gratitude belongs to ufp13 who was the beta reader for this story. Thanks, hon! All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Sam Carter was glad to be home. Beginning tonight, she would have seven days to herself. After one hundred days of working too many hours, of fighting to keep up the hope that her plan of building a particle beam generator would work out in the end, she was exhausted. It was more than exhaustion, if she was honest with herself. Bone-deep tired was more like it. The lack of sleep, the constant worry for Jack, the fact she had to admit – at least to herself – that her feelings for her commanding officer ran deep… it had wrung her out. 

A book in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, she walked into her bathroom where she had prepared a bath a few minutes earlier. More often than not, soaking in a hot tub, surrounded by the fragrant scents of one of her various bathing oil, she managed to relax. 

Tonight it didn’t happen. Although she had her eyes closed and the temperature of the water was perfect, her mind didn’t come to rest. Time and again, it replayed the moment when she had finally been able to lay her eyes on Jack again. 

During the whole time he had been declared missing, she hadn’t allowed herself to think about what she would do if – no, when she would finally see him again. Maybe if she had thought about it, she would have guessed they’d exchange a smile, that Jack would crack a joke about how long it had taken them, and wasn’t she a genius?  
   
It hadn’t been like that. Not at all. Instead of finding Jack relieved, he had seemed glad to see them but not really happy to go home again.  
   
In a simple one hundred days he had built a new life for himself, had found someone to spend his days with. She couldn’t blame him, could she? It had taken her less than that to fall for him, the traitorous voice in the back of her mind chimed in.  
   
Still, the way he had acted around Laira… Even if given the chance again, she still wouldn’t be able to watch the two of them saying goodbye. Although part of her craved the visual proof he was in love with this woman, she couldn’t put the knife to her own chest.  
   
She opened her eyes, sighed. This wasn’t working. Maybe she should watch a cheesy movie, add ice cream and another glass of wine and wait for the exhaustion to pull her under. She got out of the tub, dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a worn, comfortable sweater, her feet bare, leaving the faintest of food prints as she padded through her apartment.  
   
Her mind was still racing a mile a minute. She would save Jack again, would never stop thinking it had been the right thing to do. He belonged here. This was his time, his place. Although, if he had chosen to remain on Edora, to stay with Laira, she wouldn’t have objected. He had the right to make his own decisions, and as things were, the status of her own relationship with him wouldn’t, couldn’t change, no matter if he was available and interested or not.  
   
God, to fall for the one man she really shouldn’t fall for, couldn’t have... If a few years ago, someone would have described Jack to her, she wouldn’t have thought she could ever be interested in a man like him. He wasn’t her type. Albeit intelligent, he always chose action over intellectual problem solving. He was brusque and didn’t try to charm people. And still, when he smirked or cracked one of his annoying, yet endearing jokes… She had been hooked before she even knew it, the chemistry between them defying any rational explanation. She knew he felt it, too. There had been enough incidents, enough times they had to remind themselves that the rules against any kind of intimate relationship between them existed for a reason. 

In her kitchen, she debated if more wine was really a good idea, considering her exhaustion and the lack of nourishment today. To hell with it. It wasn’t as if anybody would care or even see her.  
   
In a heartbeat, Hammond had conceded to her request for a few days off, telling her to get the rest she deserved. She had hurried home, hadn’t even informed any of the team. Daniel had been talking to Teal’c, the both of them in a discussion about something, and Jack… well, she had just avoided him. 

It wasn’t the first time she had to deal with heartbreak, and it wouldn’t be the last time either.

This time, she just had to remind herself that with Jack any other kind of relationship but a friendly, professional one was out of question. She took a sip of her wine, made her way to the couch, flipping on her TV. She wouldn’t have come as far as she had if she had focused her energy on men. While some of the girls she went to high school with had married, gotten children, some had already divorced as she had learned from the two friends she still had contact with, she had pursued her education. Given her love of learning, her wish to know and understand more and more, it had never been a hard choice, and it hadn’t meant she had to live like a nun either.

She would live, and given time and some distance, it wouldn't hurt that bad either. The nature of their job meant that distance wouldn't be easy to achieve but it was up to her to find a balance, to find a life outside the job. Sighing, realising she hadn't paid attention to the movie, she toasted herself, silently vowing to make sure this phase would be over as quickly as possible.

She had all but fallen asleep on the couch when her doorbell rang. A quick look at her watch told her it was close to eleven. Who would disturb her that late? Without calling beforehand, anyway. While she didn't feel like getting up, she knew she wouldn't stop wondering who had shown up at her doorstep. Curiosity was said to kill the cat, and sometimes she wondered if it would hold true for her as well.

She had just gotten up, suppressing a yawn when whoever the bell rang again. 

"Yeah, I'm coming," she yelled.

When she opened the door, several thoughts ran through her head, from the question what Jack O’Neill was doing here at this time of the night, to the question why she had decided to wear some of her oldest clothes tonight. Not that the latter mattered. It wasn’t supposed to matter and after the last months…  
   
Jack clearing his throat made her realise she had drifted off.  
   
“I’m sorry, come in,” she said, stepping aside to let her unexpected guest enter. 

He made a few steps before he stopped, turned, waiting for her to close the door.  
   
“Exhausted?”  
   
For the first time since she had opened the door, she looked him in the eyes. God, he looked as tired as she felt. She shrugged, tried a smile.  
   
“A little.”

Passing him, she led him into her living room.

“Want a drink? Beer?” she asked.

“No, thanks.”

So he came here in the middle of the night to do what? It suddenly irritated her that he didn’t seem in any mood to tell her why he thought it was necessary to appear at her door. She sat down on the couch, gesticulated to him to make himself comfortable. Two could play the game, or rather she was too tired to play any game in the first place.

Jack chose an armchair, but instead of relaxing, he put his elbows on his knees, his head on his hands.  
   
“So you’re on vacation now, I heard,” he said after a long minute of silence.  
   
“Yes, I am.”  
   
“Look, I’m sorry. I…,” he trailed off, shook his head.  
   
Jack O’Neill and words, it wasn’t a match made in heaven. Sam kicked herself for the ungrateful thought, annoyed with herself, annoyed with the fact Jack was here when all she wanted was to be alone and forget about him. 

“Don’t be. There’s no need,” she said, hoping he wouldn’t even try again and leave.  
   
“There is. I heard you worked for months without a break to get me outta there.”

She shrugged. Yes, she had. And what good had it done? Granted, she would do it again, but it didn’t mean she had to relish the feeling it had all been mostly in vain. 

“Don’t,” he snapped, and it made her look up at him, knowing her own anger was showing. Their gaze held, neither of them willing to be the one to look away first.  
   
“Don’t what?” she asked in spite of better judgment.  
   
“Don’t try to act as if it doesn’t matter. It does.”  
   
“Good.”  
   
He raised his eyebrow, sat up straight for a moment before relaxing into the armchair, finally looking away, staring into the distance.  
   
“Don’t think I’m not thankful you saved me. I am. Really.”  
   
There was an unspoken ‘but’ in the air, one she didn’t want to address. In her experience, it sometimes was better to ignore the elephant in the room, especially when there wasn’t anything to gain for either party. That was one of the times, although it seemed Jack disagreed, and knowing him, she knew he would say what he had come to say if she wanted to listen or not.  
   
“I’m glad to hear that,” she finally said when the silence between them began to feel uncomfortable.  
   
Jack nodded, although he didn’t look at her, his gaze distant.  
   
“I hated it at first,” he said.  
   
“Being stuck on Edora?” Wanting to understand and not wanting to hear about it, Sam’s emotions waged a war inside of her.  
   
“Yeah. It wasn’t where I belonged.”  
   
Wasn’t. One simple word, yet it hurt. So if they hadn’t ‘rescued’ him, he’d belong.  
   
“We all know the risks involved when we use the Stargate, but when you’re stuck for good…it’s a shitty feeling.”  
   
For all involved. Another unvoiced thought.  
   
“We don’t have to talk about it,” she said. 

She was his friend, would support him no matter what, but tonight, she was too tired, felt too raw for a conversation like that. 

For a moment, she thought Jack would get up and leave, the gaze directed at her sharp and probing. She tried not to flinch, not to let the cracks in her composure show.  
   
“I want you to understand.”  
   
“I don’t need to understand, really.” She tried for a smile, failed.  
   
“So you don’t think I acted like a jerk? Good.” he asked, the words sounding bitter, angry, although if he was angry with himself, with her, or the situation in general she couldn’t tell.  
   
“Not like a jerk. Just not… happy.”  
   
“Yeah. Right.”  
   
“Listen, it…” She was about to tell him it had been a long day, that they could talk another time, but he interrupted her.

“I began to adapt to life there. I felt useful, my work actually helped.”  
   
“I’m sure it did. You’re not the type to give up.”  
   
With all he had lived through – his son, his marriage – others would have given up long ago. It wasn’t in Jack’s nature, though. Sometimes she thought he was just too stubborn, one of his best and worst qualities.  
   
“No, I’m not. After a while… I didn’t think about rescue that much anymore, and then I accepted that this was it.”

“We wouldn’t have given up on you.”  
   
He should know that they would’ve worked until they had found a way to save him, no matter the cost.  
   
The small smile playing around his lips didn’t match the slightly sad expression in his eyes.  
   
“Even you would’ve given up after a while. Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do.”  
   
“Well, it seemed there was something to do after all, and it even worked.”  
   
“Yeah, it did. Sorry for underestimating you.”  
   
“Maybe you shouldn’t have.” Sam instantly cursed herself for her almost brutal words. Who was she to tell anyone what to think or feel? He had dealt with the situation the best he could. “I’m sorry. I don’t have the right to…”  
   
“But it’s true. And you know, life there just wasn’t so bad. These are good people.”

“I don’t doubt it.”  
   
“I didn’t want to give up hope, but it was so easy in a way. I became part of this community, I…,”  
   
She was glad he didn’t finish the sentence. He had fallen in love, Sam wasn’t stupid. She wished she could hate him for it, yet she knew she could never do it.

Who knew what she would have done in the very same situation. There was nothing he could have really done about the situation himself, so settling was the best option. If she had been stranded on a planet not her own, and an attractive and nice man had made advances… Or she might have tried forming a connection with someone to feel less alone. Who knew?  
   
“I’m glad you were… happy. And I’m glad you weren’t… lonely.”  
   
As much as it pained her to say it out loud, she knew she meant it.

Their gazes met in a kind of silent understanding. It also made her realise they would be okay in the end. Maybe things between them would never quite be the same – whatever they had been, anyway – but they would be okay.  
   
She was about to suggest he’d leave now, so she could get some sleep (to nurse her hurting heart) when he spoke again.  
   
“Don’t know about happy.”

She frowned. “But…?”

“It was… good, really good, but sometimes it felt more like a dream than reality.”  
   
He shrugged. She knew words didn’t always come easy to him, that he seldom bothered with trying to be especially eloquent. Hell, she was surprised he had said as much as he had.  
   
“It wasn’t quite the right fit?”  
   
“Yeah. Sometimes, it was close to perfect, and nothing ever is.”

“I never wanted perfect.”  
   
Perfect sounded boring, too hard to maintain. All she had ever wanted was the freedom to research, sharpen her intellect and have a network of friends and family. Maybe with someone close to her, a partner that was enough like her that they understood each other and different enough to keep life interesting. Someone like… well, there was no sense in even following this train of thought.

They fell silent, but it wasn’t uncomfortable any longer. They were both miserable, just for different reasons. He looked at her.

“What were you watching?”  
   
Only now, she realised that while she had muted the TV, it was still running. From his point of view, he’d only notice the flicker of the screen.  
   
“Just some romantic comedy.”  
   
“Didn’t peg you for the type.”  
   
She rolled her eyes, more at herself than at him. “They’re good for relaxing.”  
   
“Uh huh.”  
   
“Want to watch with me?”  
   
She didn’t know why she had asked, didn’t think he’d agree, but for his own odd reasons, he nodded, got up before he walked the few steps towards her, lowering himself on the couch beside her. She switched on the audio, tried to concentrate on the movie once more. It suddenly struck her that he had to feel as lonely as she had. He had tried to create a home on Edora, and now he was suddenly back here.

Long minutes passed, but Sam didn’t feel the need to talk. Neither did Jack, it seemed. It almost made Sam cry to realize she was finally relaxing thanks to his presence beside her, although it had been him who had caused her misery in the first place. The thought of the face Jack would most likely make if she called him a paradox made her smile.

A yawn escaped her, and before she could apologize, Jack put his arm around her shoulder, literally offering a shoulder to lean on. She didn’t want to take him up on it, not after everything that had happened today, but she was exhausted, wanted the comfort she knew he could provide. Sidling closer to him, she leaned her head against his shoulder, taking a deep breath before she closed her eyes. It would be a just for a few seconds…  
   
***  
   
Sam was asleep within the minute, making Jack want to laugh out. What was it with him and ending in situations he hadn’t predicted and never wanted to be in? Not that it was unpleasant to hold Sam Carter in his arms, it was just that nothing felt quite right today.  
   
The last time he had gotten up on Edora, it had been in the knowledge that he had a new life now, that he had a purpose in life, a lover who fit him and just saw him for who he was, not caring about who he had been before. It had come as close to a true second chance as was possible.  
   
In spite of his original misgivings, he liked his work for Stargate Command, cared for his friends, had made his peace with his life, but he would never forget his son, the day his life broke apart forever. He hadn’t been the best husband, hadn’t been the perfect father – who was? – but it had been good. Good enough for him, anyway. When this tragic accident had killed his son, he had felt empty, guilty, his marriage had broken apart, and nothing had held much of an interest to him any longer. That was until he had been offered the job at SG1, before he met Sam Carter who fascinated him more than he could ever let on. Then came Edora, and the last hundred days, it had seem that life here on Earth was forever lost to him.

He had done what he did best: adept to a new situation, only that it had been better than he could have ever expected.  
   
Now, his life had been torn apart once more, and he wondered whether he had made the right decision or if he should have stayed on Edora.  
   
Sam mumbled something in her sleep, and he stroked her shoulder, made a soothing sound.

He had hurt Sam today. No matter what she might think of him, sometimes he wasn’t a complete idiot. He had registered her hurt, just hadn’t been able to see past his own emotions that moment. 

As a team leader, it was his responsibility to support his team members, to keep an eye on their physical and emotional well-being. Today, he hadn’t been their leader, just Jack O’Neill, a man who had carved out a life for himself somewhere else. 

Right now, he felt a bit lost. Sometimes, there was no right and no wrong, no black and white, just a foggy grey to wade through. He wouldn’t be able to explain it, but it had felt as coming back here had been the right decision, no matter the hurt he was feeling at the moment.  
   
He suppressed a sigh, wondered if he could move enough to reach the remote to switch off the TV. Although knowing Sam, it would most likely cause her to wake up. He looked down at her, the peaceful expression on her face making his heart clench. How could he even think of waking her? Although he hadn’t spent all that much time on base, insisting all questioning could wait at least a day, he had learned about the long hours she had put in to get him home. And all he had given her in return had been a lukewarm greeting.  
   
He almost snorted. It was a wonder she had even let him in tonight.  
   
Without any conscious decision, his thoughts went back to Laira, and he asked himself how she was right now, if she was thinking about him, too. She was another woman he had failed miserably. She had put her hopes in him, and still, when the chance came, he had left quickly. He had said he would visit, but life had its own way of coming between people and the promises they made in emotional moments.  
   
Had it been love between them?  
   
Jack wasn’t sure, although it had felt an awful lot like it. Given some more time, he doubted he could have left her behind. Laira was a great woman, beautiful, strong, intelligent, not quite so different from the one he was holding in his arms right now – a thought he rather didn’t want to dwell on.

Instead he rather remembered his time with Laira. He loved her laugh, the intense sparkle in her eyes when she couldn’t or didn’t want to suppress her emotions. Jack was sure she had returned his feelings, and damn, it had been good. She had seen a man who clearly had a past but whom she didn’t judge by it. She never gave him the feeling he wasn’t quite intelligent enough – something Daniel and Sam sometimes managed without even meaning to.

He didn’t want a razor sharp intellect like they had, wouldn’t want to become an utter geek, but sometimes, it was nice to just understand what the people you were talking to were saying.

There weren’t any regulations against loving Laira either. They had been free in their decision to pursue a relationship. Not like the situation between the blonde in his arm and himself.

Sam made a tiny, whimpering noise in her sleep, and Jack realised his hold on her had tightened.  
   
He willed himself to relax. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand and agreed with regulations concerning relationships between subordinates and their superiors. They were meant to protect them all. Still, it meant Sam and he had been toeing the line way too often. 

On Edora it all had just fallen into place. It had been good. Now it was over. Yes, he doubted he'd go back anytime soon. He was honest enough to admit that much to himself. In the end, he couldn't be both. He couldn't be Colonel Jack O'Neill and just Jack O'Neill, farmer and partner of a beautiful woman.  
   
It hurt, but a lot of things in his life had. He just needed a bit of time to regroup. As did Sam. Even if he couldn't quite see it yet, he knew it in his heart that they would be okay.  
   
It was time to go, though. He didn't have any business staying here, hadn't been invited to do so. As gently as he could, he got up, helping a muttering Sam who thankfully didn't wake up find a comfortable sleeping position on the couch. Once she had stilled again, he looked around, spotting a blanket which he retrieved to cover her.  
   
She looked peaceful, although the dark rings under her eyes were painful to see. She deserved better.  
   
He would make sure to thank her for everything she had done tomorrow. Having already done so in words earlier on, he didn't think it could hurt to let his actions speak for him.  
   
With a last glance at her, he closed the door behind him. Maybe he'd get some sleep at home as well. Somehow, he doubted it.


	2. Chapter 2

She hadn't received flowers to her apartment in a long time. For a moment, she had doubted they were even for her, but the delivery boy insisted, impatient to be back on his way. And it wasn't what you'd expect from a flower delivery either. It wasn’t roses or orchids, something spectacular, but about thirty gerberas in all kinds of colours. She smiled, closed the door behind her and looked for a card. There wasn't one. 

Who would send her flowers? Why now?  
   
Her first instinct was to say they came from Jack but he had never sent her flowers, didn't seem like the kind of guy to do so. So who? It wasn't as if she had any kind of secret admirer.   
   
Biting her lip, she found her vase, filled it with water. She was close to calling one of her old high school friends, Esther, who always seemed to have good advice ready, especially when it came to men, but even she wouldn't be able to tell her who sent her this beautiful bouquet.   
   
Sam hated not knowing, always had, but this time, she knew she would have to admit defeat. And she was sure her gift giver wanted her to enjoy this gift not to question it. After some quick consideration, she put the flowers onto her living room table, sat down on her couch to admire them.   
   
Without wanting to, she thought back to last night. When she had woken up this morning, for a moment, she had thought Jack’s visit had been a dream. There had been no trace of his presence, and if it hadn't been for the blanket covering her, she would have doubted her mind. At least, she thought it had been Jack as she couldn’t remember having grabbed it herself.

After a good night of sleep, and it had been the first deep, uninterrupted sleep in weeks, she finally felt able to process what had transpired during the last months, last night. She still felt hurt, it wouldn't and couldn't change overnight, but by now, she felt more sorry for him than she did for herself, and for as long as they could salvage their friendship, it would be okay.   
   
Never mind, she'd make the most of the week off, wanted to try and think only of herself. Preparing herself a cup of coffee, she called Esther after all, and they agreed to go and watch a movie at the cinema together the next day. After that, she took her coffee and a book she had bought lately. 'Gravitational Lenses' sounded just like the book that would get her mind off things. For a second, she imagined Jack's reaction to this book and smiled. He was many a thing, but he wasn't a geek.   
   
The day passed quietly, and when she went to bed late in the evening, she felt at least somewhat better. She was a bit disappointed that she hadn't heard from Jack all day, but chided herself for this reaction. He didn't owe her a call, nothing really. And wasn't distance one of the reasons she had decided a vacation was in order anyway?

Her last thoughts before falling asleep circled around the flowers standing in her living room. She would give a lot to know who had sent them.  
   
The next day, a wrapped, small package lay in front of her door. Eyebrow raised, wondering if it came from the same person who had sent her the flowers – although who else could it have been? – she took it inside, placed it on her kitchen counter.   
   
For some reason, she didn't go ahead and opened it, just stared at it for a long minute instead as if it would answer all her questions if she only looked at it long enough. Ridiculous.   
   
She didn't feel threatened by the package but wasn't quite elated either. The last months, she didn't have any private life. So again, she ruled out a secret admirer. The timing wasn't right. 

Everything pointed to Jack, really, because the fact he was back was the only variable that had changed in a life with little or no change. But why would he send her something anonymously, especially when he had to settle here again? Sure, she could call and ask him, but if the flowers and... this hadn't come from him she'd only feel stupid.   
   
With a sigh, she finally ripped the wrapping from the package. The gift inside was card. It was a voucher for a bookstore in the city, and there was a note pinned to it. A note in a script she knew very well. It just said “Thank you” and had been written by Jack. So her instinct had proven to be right once more. Taking the note, she sat down, staring at it for what seemed a long time while trying to sort her emotions. What was it with this particular man that he could cause emotional turmoil with as little as two written words?  
   
She traced the note with her fingertip, remembering the first time she had met this obnoxious, agitating and wonderful man. He had been surprised to find out she was a woman, to say the least, had been annoyed about what he liked to call techno babble. Still, there had been a kind of instant connection that quickly turned into friendship and most likely would have turned into something more if it weren’t for the regulations. 

Now, he was in love with someone else – feelings didn’t die overnight – but he still took the time to think about her, made her gifts and wanted her to know he was thankful for what she had done.   
   
She wondered why he hadn’t delivered the flowers and the package himself but figured he had wanted to give her space, needed it himself. With a shake of her head, ordering herself to get a grip, she got up, reached for the phone to say thank you for his gifts but stopped short after dialling the first three digits.

Why did everything have to be so complex? Because regulations prohibited emotionally complicated relationships between superiors and their subordinates, that’s why. Still, it wouldn’t do not to let him know she appreciated the gifts, the fact he had shown he cared.

***  
   
Jack hadn’t left his apartment all day. After allowing Stargate Command to grill him for hours yesterday, he had made clear he wouldn’t be back for work or more ‘interviews’ today. He needed a break, time to get used to being Commander Jack O’Neill again. He was no damned robot where you only needed to flick a switch and it was back in working mode.   
   
He knew he was being unfair and grumpy, but so be it. Tomorrow, he’d go hiking to a friend’s cabin that was situated near a mountain lake, and he hoped this would help with regaining his equilibrium. 

Right now, Stargate Command was still willing to humour him, seeing what he had been through, but it wouldn’t keep, and in a few days, they would expect them to lead his team to yet another unknown destination. That, and they’d insist once more he should see a shrink. They could forget about that.

He couldn’t say he was afraid of his work, afraid the same could happen to him again. This was a risk of the job, but he was tired, didn’t want to take responsibility, go out there and pretend nothing was amiss. He drained his coffee cup, shaking his head at remembering that Janet had told him he might suffer from PTSD. He wasn’t traumatized, he was fucking exhausted. Still, there was no time for rest, he needed to go out, go shopping, clean the house after his months-long absence.

He had wanted to leave hours ago, but instead of doing so, he had been drinking coffee, staring into space and listening to the radio. He was tired, more tired than he’d been these last months. In spite of the hard work, he had slept better, succumbing to exhaustion at the end of the day instead of lying awake here, wondering how Laira was doing. 

He missed her more than he would’ve imagined. Even though a hundred days weren’t much in the grand scheme of things, his feelings had been real, as had Laira’s. You couldn’t attach yourself to someone in such a way and not feel their absence afterwards. He hadn’t ever quite stopped thinking of Sam on Edora either. He let out a quiet growl, annoyed with himself. He didn’t want to contemplate Laira, and he didn’t want to contemplate Sam. 

Yet, it seemed he was unable to stop either. He really couldn’t count the times someone had told him that you couldn’t and shouldn’t suppress your feelings, but it seemed so much easier, especially if there wasn’t much about the situation you could do. He wouldn’t go back to Edora, and he couldn’t be with Sam. So what good could come from contemplating either of these women, no matter what they meant to him? Nothing.  
   
Still, he wondered what Sam had thought of the flowers, if she had known the note attached to her gift had been from him. Of course, she had, who was he trying to kid. She was the smartest women he knew. Which was one of the reasons it was a wonder she was even interested in him. He rolled his eyes at himself, finally got up. He had faced worse in life and managed to get through it.  
   
Closing the door behind him, he blinked twice when he found one of the objects of his musing striding towards him. Sam had stopped the second upon seeing him, but then she walked on, the smile on her face more careful and hesitant than he liked to see.  
   
“What are you doing here?” he asked instead of a greeting.  
   
“What does it look like?”  
   
“Okay, stupid question. How are you?”  
   
“Better. You?”  
   
It was their old game, talking about one thing while passing over the things that they really wanted to say. He could blame it on his level of exhaustion or the fact he was simply sick and tired of the game, but he didn’t want to play pretend in any way or form any longer.  
   
“Not that good. But it’s going to be okay.”  
   
Sam’s smile softened, and she reached out as if to touch his arm, only stopping herself at the last second. With a shake of his head, he took her hand in his, though, squeezing it tightly.   
   
“It’s really going to be okay. So tell me what brought you here. Did you want to check on me or did Hammond make you cave in so you’ll be going back to work and are supposed to bring me with you?”  
   
“No, not going to go back to work, yet.” She looked at him as if trying to read his mind. “Anyway, I wanted to thank you. For the flowers, the gift. This wasn’t necessary, you know.”  
   
“I disagree,” he said. There were a lot of other things he wanted to tell her, but speaking his mind in an eloquent fashion wasn’t his forte at the best of times. “Want to grab a cup of coffee with me? I was about to go grocery shopping, but…”  
   
A smile appeared on her face. “I guess you’re all out of food, huh?” Her nose crinkled. “I don’t think anyone took care of your fridge the last months.”

“Yup. But let’s not talk about it. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”  
   
Even in a fridge most things didn’t look pretty after almost three months. It had taken him the better part of an hour to even get it in a usable condition again yesterday.  
   
Sam gifted him with another smile. “How about we go together then? Although my fridge didn’t and doesn’t have a life of its own, it’s rather empty.”  
   
Of course, it would be. If stories were true, she had hardly ever seen her apartment to get some sleep. Guilt began to nag at him once more, but he shoved it aside. She would have done it for any of them, and no one would’ve been able to stop her.  
   
“In that case, let’s go. But I have to warn you. I don’t like shopping.”  
   
“Of course, you don’t.”  
   
He rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless. This began to feel a lot like it had before they went on the mission to Edora. It felt like the life he had left behind, as if a pair of pants you hadn’t worn in forever still fit. He would always think back on, this time with a feeling of bitter-sweet regret, there would be the odd moments when he’d wonder how the path not taken might have looked like but the memories would fade, the intensity of his feelings lessen.   
   
As sad as it made him, it was a relief, too.  
   
They decided to take his car and drove to the grocery store nearest to his home. He wasn’t surprised to find Sam’s choices healthier than his own, still he had to smile when she went for some jell-o. An elderly couple looked at them when they hit the aisle with the cereals, and the woman said something to the man before they both smiled. Were they mistaken them for a couple?   
   
Sam had noticed it, too, but only spoke when they had passed them and were out of earshot.  
   
“I’d like to know what she told him.”  
   
“Most likely that it never pays off to have a man do the shopping,” he said, looking at his selection of groceries.  
   
“A lame excuse not to go shopping in the first place. After all, there’s something called shopping lists.”  
   
“And you think your random guy would remember taking the list, or if he does, would look at it.”  
   
She stopped, waited for him to do the same before she talked. “If I gave you a shopping list, you would make sure to actually buy what is on it, wouldn’t you?”  
   
There was something about the way she said it – and had she batted her eyelids at him – he knew he would indeed do it.   
   
“I might.” It was as much of an admission as he was willing to make.   
   
Thankfully, she wasn’t pressing the point, and they finished the rest of their shopping in peace. Loading the groceries into the trunk, he thought about having a cup of coffee when a different thought gave him pause.  
   
Sam, who had just closed the trunk, gave him a quizzical look, but waited until he was willing to talk.  
   
“Just thinking.”  
   
“What about?”  
   
“I’d planned to go hiking tomorrow. Wanna come?”  
   
It had been a long time since he had invited anyone to share his private life, but it felt right to ask Sam. They both could do with getting away from it all for a while.  
   
He had caught her by surprise, though. She was silent for a minute, making him regret to have made the offer in the first place. Though then she nodded.   
   
“I’d like that,” she finally said.  
   
“Good. Then let’s have coffee now, and I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven.”  
   
It was a testament to their jobs she didn’t even blink at the early time.  
   
“Yes, Sir.”  
   
It was meant as a joke, he knew; still, he couldn’t get over the bitter-sweet feelings it caused. If he had to explain what was wrong with their relationship in one sentence, he wouldn’t need more than these two words. It wouldn’t do to drag Sam down with him, though, so he joked back it hadn’t been a proper salute, that he knew she could do better. 

They bantered all the way to the small coffee shop that had the best espresso in town. Their conversation was light-hearted if a bit cautious. They both didn’t want to add to the other’s hurt.   
   
Afterwards, he drove home, and unloading their groceries, they parted. Only when he closed the door behind him, he realised he was actually looking forward to the next day, to seeing Sam.

The thought made him smile. 

It was a step in the right direction.

***  
   
Sam was nervous. Not about going hiking, because although it wasn’t a pastime she had ever actively pursued, it couldn’t be too hard to hike a few miles. If nothing else, their job kept them physically fit. It was about seeing Jack and not quite knowing how to interact with him. This wasn’t work, it wasn’t the friendship they had shared before, charged with something she didn’t dare name most of the time. They had lost their tune, and it would take some time to find a new balance.   
   
Still, she wanted to spend the day with him, maybe she even wanted it a bit too much. It was another thing for the pile of things she better not analyzed too much. If nothing else, this should be good for their friendship, and it would make getting back to work next week easier.   
   
A bit before seven, passing the mirror in her hallway, she paused, made a face.  
   
“Stop it, Sam.”  
   
She felt ridiculous, saw her face was turning into another grimace when she looked away. There were still a few things to pack, so she better saw to it.  
   
Of course, Jack was punctual. They all wouldn’t have had their job for long if they didn’t have a habit of being on time. So one minute to seven there was a knock on her door, and she went to open it.  
   
“Ready?” he asked.   
   
Instead of answering, she only pointed to the small backpack she had packed. She picked it up from the ground, gestured to him that she was ready to leave.  
   
“You’ve got all you need?“ he asked, nodding at the backpack.   
   
“Yes, I do.”  
   
He chuckled. “Why am I asking? You’re always prepared.“  
   
“Not always, but I thought a snack, something to drink and a change of clothes couldn’t hurt in case we end up lost?“  
   
“You make it sounds as if I have a habit of getting lost.”  
   
Again, they teased each all the way to his car where they fell into a companionable silence.  
   
While Jack was driving, Sam looked out of the window, no particular thoughts running through her mind. It was the most relaxed she had felt in months. She didn't even realise she was falling asleep, only noticed when Jack woke her by gently rubbing her shoulder.  
   
“How long was I asleep?“  
   
“Not that long.“  
   
He looked at her a moment too long, and she wondered what had happened when she had been out.  
   
“Did I snore or drool?“ she teased, and he only shook his head, looked away.  
   
When he didn't want to talk about something, he wouldn't, so she didn’t even try to get him to speak.  
   
Yawning she got out of the car, stretched before getting her backpack out of the trunk. It wasn't long until they were on their way up what seemed to be a steep incline, and in the end, it took them a bit over two hours to reach their destination.  
   
She had to admit she liked the place. This all was so... him. Simple, yet only on the surface. She didn't want to find the right words to describe it. Even her close friends had told her she didn't know how to relax. Today, she would prove them wrong, would grant herself this day away from everything, even herself as far as possible. The cabin had a small porch, and as it wasn’t too cold, they sat down.  
   
She took a sip of her coffee, enjoyed the sharp, bitter flavour. They didn't talk for close to an hour, and she had to actually fight the urge to fall asleep once more. Obviously, she was more exhausted than she had thought.  
   
“Sometimes, I wish every day could be like this,“ Jack said out of the blue.  
   
He wasn't looking at her, just ahead, a thoroughly peaceful expression on his face. It made her long to do things she shouldn't contemplate, to reach out and… She stopped herself just in time.  
   
“It might be nice for a few days but then... wouldn't you end up bored?“  
   
At that, he looked at her, a teasing glint in his eyes.  
   
“Your perfect retreat would be being locked-in in a scientific library, huh?“ he joked.  
   
“While it holds a certain appeal, no, I wouldn't like that all that much.“  
   
“What else then?“

“I don't know.“

And she didn't. She wasn't one to contemplate what else she could do with her life. She liked what she was doing, thought it was important work, exciting work, work that suited her skills and her character.   
   
If it weren't for the fact she had too little time for friends and her complicated relationship with the man right beside her, it would be pretty close to being perfect. It wasn’t as if she had much time to contemplate her life anyway, and time for contemplation wasn’t what she wanted. You could only live the life you had, make a decision to change things if you felt you needed to. It wasn’t possible to go back in time and change your decisions, well, unless the Stargate send you right back to 1969.   
   
Sam had to smile at the memories. While she had had concerns they might not make it back to their own time, she had enjoyed this sojourn to the past, the possibilities of a life without the strings attached here. She sighed, cursing herself as the sound rang rather loudly out here. Birds were singing in the distance, there was a light breeze ruffling the water; yet, it was devoid of human sound. No machines, no people talking on their phones or with each other, no planes…  
   
“Bored?” Jack asked.  
   
“No, not at all.”  
   
“You know that you think too much, don’t you?”  
   
“Yes, I know, but sometimes, it’s hard to stop doing it.”  
   
She glanced at him, saw he was watching her openly.   
   
“There’s no need for any heavy thinking today,” he said, a slight smile playing around his lips.  
   
Did he have any idea what this smile could do to the unsuspecting?  
   
“I know. It’s just…hard to stop.” She shrugged.  
   
He put his coffee into the other hand, reached for her free hand with his. She was surprised by his action, but didn’t question it. His hand was warm and dry, the touch comforting. It hit her like a ton of bricks that this was almost the first time someone had openly touched her in many months. She could feel the urge to cry, grit her teeth. There was no way she’d embarrass herself like that.  
   
As if sensing the turmoil of her emotions, he had to make it worse by stroking the back of her back of her hand with this thumb. It made her long for so much more. If people thought not knowing how kissing someone they desired was bad, they should try not being allowed to kiss someone they desired and had kissed before.   
   
There was no comfort with telling herself she was just imagining things. There was chemistry. Undeniable, bitter-sweet temptation to taste the forbidden fruit. It wasn’t all. She liked to be with him, they just matched.   
   
God, he had wanted her to stop thinking, and now, the thoughts were whirling through her mind even worse than before.  
She realized she had been staring at their joined hands for too long. Embarrassed, she looked up, only to find he was still looking at her.   
   
“Believe it or not, I missed you,” he said in a quiet voice.   
   
For a long moment, she didn’t know how to reply, how to react. He might not talk all that much, but it gave what he did say all the more impact.  
   
“That’s… good to hear.”  
   
She hated not being able to freely voice what she wanted to say. How much easier life could be if people actually said what they were thinking instead of what they thought was the best thing to say in a given situation. It was a nice idea and absolutely unrealistic.  
   
It was better the way it was, though. At least for them. Speaking their minds could only ruin what they had.   
   
It was Jack’s turn to sigh. “I’m not good with this.”  
   
“Define ‘this’.”  
   
“Talking. About... stuff.”  
   
She had to laugh out. “Stuff?”  
   
He looked at her, mock-offended.  
   
“You want me to spell it out for you? Emotions. I’m not good with emotions.”  
   
Her mouth dry, her heart beating a bit faster than it should, she tried for a reply, but couldn’t think of a single damned thing to say.  
   
“Didn’t think I’d ever scare Sam Carter into silence. You’re supposed to be the eloquent one, ya know.”  
   
She tried for a smile, but knew she was failing.  
   
“Didn’t know eloquent was part of your vocabulary.”  
   
“Hey, no need to be insulting.”   
   
Harsh words spoken in a teasing manner.   
   
“I didn’t mean to be, and you don’t have to be.”  
   
“I don’t have to be?”  
   
He cracked a smile, and she wondered if he knew that he had a beautiful smile. Hell, this was not the time and the place for thoughts like these.  
   
“You don’t have to be good with… stuff.”  
   
He laughed out, a rich sound, surprisingly loud out here.  
   
“I don’t?”  
   
She shook her head. “No, you really don’t.”  
   
This was ridiculous. Making sure to hold his gaze, she decided to be honest with him. Who would know what they had been talking about here if they kept their mouths shut about it afterwards? That, and she didn’t want to, couldn’t bite her tongue until it was bloody.  
   
“Look, whatever you had with Laira. It’s none of my business. I’m not sorry about trying to save you. I would do it again, but I’m sorry that you were happy and that my work was more or less the reason this happiness was destroyed.”

“You didn’t…,” he began, but she interrupted him. “Anyway, I also believe you when you say you missed me. I missed you, too, you know.” She hated how her voice sounded weaker than she wanted it to, and she could feel her emotions getting the better of her. She took a deep breath. “It will take time for things to be… normal again, whatever normal entails. And you don’t owe me any explanation.”  
   
“By normal you’re talking about the big, grey animal?”  
   
“Pardon me?”  
   
God, why was the way his lips curled into a smile so distracting? She had always been good at chemistry, at all sciences, really, she knew about pheromones and the scientific explanations why people might feel attracted to each other. That the reality of it would hit her that hard one day was something she hadn’t reckoned with, something she often felt ill equipped to deal with.  
   
“Weren’t you talking about the elephant in the room?”  
   
She was about to say: which elephant? But it would have been the coward’s way out.

“There’s nothing we can do about the elephant apart of maybe trying our best not to feed it too much.”

 

***  
   
She was right; of course, she was. It wasn’t as if he was mentally able to wrap his head around his attraction to his woman while he was fighting the loss of another relationship. A relationship he wouldn’t have needed to end but which he had decided to. He might return once to talk to Laira, although he thought she already knew it was over.  
   
Now, here with Sam, he had to fight the depression about the recent change in his life while his too intense feelings for the woman beside him began to slowly resurface. It wasn’t as if he was with an ex-girlfriend here. Sam and he... there was too much unresolved between them.  
   
She was the forbidden fruit that he had to ignore. Sometimes, he managed to control his feelings better, sometimes not so much, but he could never forget about them. Sam Carter was a sweet temptation with a sweet smile.  
   
“You think we’ll manage? Not too feed it,” he asked.  
   
“We will. For a while. And who knows? Life goes on. We might meet other people who’ll manage to banish the elephant to its cage.”  
   
She didn’t even sound as if she believed it herself. It wasn’t unlikely they’d meet other people, date other people, and for a while, they might even believe they had decided on a different path in life. He doubted it could last, though. His gut was telling him that there might be many roads, but that they would lead them back to just where they were right now.   
   
Did he believe in destiny? Not really, but maybe, Sam was the exception to the rule.

“I don’t think I want to banish it.”

“But you know what happens when we don’t. An elephant roaming the streets freely is bound to leave… destruction and heartache in its wake.”  
   
He rolled his eyes. “Maybe we should buy it a leash.”  
   
Sam laughed out, some of the tension seeming to drain out of the situation.  
   
“I sincerely doubt that’s possible.”  
   
“Me, too.”  
   
They continued to look at each other. There was something about her smile, her bright eyes, that made him want to pull her close and…   
   
They couldn’t. They weren’t allowed to take it this step further. She would think it was rebound anyway. In a way, it would be, even if wouldn’t be. If this didn’t exactly make sense to him, how could it make sense to her?   
   
He broke eye contact, stood up, feeling the need to move. Heck, if he could, he’d punch a hole into the wall of the cabin right now. However, the only thing it would get him was a few broken bones.  
   
Why did everything in life always had to be that fucking hard?   
   
He stepped closer to the lake.  
   
“I’m sorry,” Sam said, and he realized she was standing right behind him. He turned and caught the way she pulled back a hand that had never touched him in the first place. They looked at each other for a long minute. He could see so many emotions in her gaze, yet didn’t know how to react. He knew he very much wanted to kiss her, but then her image blurred with that of Laira, and breaching this barrier between Sam and him now would be unfair to all of them.   
   
Even feeling guilty about the situation, he knew that this wasn’t his fault. He didn’t ask for ending up lost, didn’t ask to be brought back. Of course, he could only react to the cards that were dealt to him; still, it didn’t stop the feeling he wasn’t handling any of this particularly well.   
   
In the end, it was Sam who turned away with a sad smile, who walked to her backpack to find a snack. 

“Sooner or later, I’m going to retire, you know,” he said.

She turned slowly, just looked at him.

“I’m just saying… I mean…” He ran a hand through is hair, annoyed with himself and the way he was handling this whole situation. “Look, let’s be frank. I’m not asking you to wait for me. You deserve better. Way better. Just… if there’s still an elephant in the room in a few years…“  
    
She laughed out, surely at his inapt way of trying to talk this through, her eyes bright, and he knew he would never be immune to her. Never.  
   
“Alright. let’s just say we have a deal and pretend this conversation has never happened.”

He shook his head. “I don’t wanna forget it happened. Just to postpone a follow-up conversation.”  
   
If her smile looked a little sad, he did his best to pretend he didn’t see it.  
   
“Yeah, let’s do it. Want a granola bar, too?”  
   
He rolled his eyes. “You don’t have anything resembling real food in there, do you?”

 


	3. Chapter 3

She was in the kitchen, about to prepare herself a cup of tea to take to bed with her when the doorbell rang. Expecting no one, she closed the drawer with her stock of tea before making her way to the door, opened it a crack.  
   
Surprised, she scanned her visitor.  
   
“Did we have a date I forgot about?” she teased and fully opened her door to admit Jack.  
   
He looked good, rested, and seeing him now, she realized she had missed him more than she had admitted to herself. She didn’t begrudge him his new job, but it didn’t mean she didn’t miss him.  
   
He entered her apartment, turning to her while she closed the door.  
   
“No, no date. Just thought I stop by, seeing that I was in the area.”  
   
“You were?” she asked, about to pass him, but he stopped her with a tentative hand on her shoulder.  
   
“No, I wasn’t. Is it okay if I admit I just missed you?”  
   
She turned to him, equally amused and desperate at the way her heart began to beat faster while her mouth felt suddenly too dry to speak. Unbidden thoughts of a conversation a few years ago came back to her.   
   
Was this about the elephant? Could he be here because he was no longer her superior, because they were finally free to… She knew that she wasn’t attached to anyone at the moment, but she had no idea about him. They had spoken a few times, there had never been any mention that he was seeing someone, but… With a start, she realised she owed him an answer.  
   
“That’s quite okay. Come on in.”  
   
He looked as if he was about to decline, but then he followed her into her living room.  
   
“Can I get you something? I was about to have a tea.”  
   
“Everything that’s no tea then.”   
   
She brought him a beer, taking her time, wondering if she was misreading the situation. Until a few minutes ago, she wouldn’t have thought she’d react so strongly to his presence, hadn’t thought she’d see him in the near future.  
   
Handing him the bottle, she sat down opposite of him, just as she had done a few years ago.   
   
“So…,” she began, only to stop again.  
   
He gave her an almost pained smile, sighed. “How are you?”  
   
She shook her head, looked down for a second before she faced him. “Why are you really here?” She didn’t really expect an answer, just more beating around the bush, so she was surprised when he looked at her without flinching, his gaze open.  
   
“I missed you, and I wanted to see if there’s still a chance. For us.”  
   
She froze, knowing she had heard him alright, yet not quite willing to believe this might be happening after all these years. It had always been impossible, the wrong time, the wrong place, and now that there wasn’t anything that could stop them from pursuing a romantic relationship, he had really come to find her to talk about it. Maybe not only talk. Her thoughts reeled, and she pushed them aside for the moment, cradling her cup in an iron grip although the heat seemed to burn right through her skin.  
   
This couldn’t be just a fantasy, could it? And could two people just jump into a relationship after all this time? She had to stop this train of thought, was putting the cart in front of the horse.   
   
She had been silent for too long. He looked down, his mouth twisting into what could only be described as a self-deprecating smile. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so blunt. I don’t even know if you’re seeing someone. You know...”  
   
“I’m not.”  
   
“Huh?” He looked up again.  
   
“I’m not seeing anyone.”  
   
“Okay. But…”  
   
Deciding that if he could be candid, maybe she could be, too. She got up and walked over to him, kneeling down in front of him, putting her hands onto his knees even though she could feel them shake with nerves.  
   
“There’s no but. I’m just surprised. This comes kind of sudden.”  
   
Their gazes met and for the first time she didn’t see her own hesitation reflected but pure longing while his mouth curled into a real, warm smile.  
   
“Does it? I thought we had it coming for a long while.”  
   
A lot had happened within the last years. They had changed, seen different people. With Pete, she had been as close to marriage as ever in her life. For a while, it had seemed the idea of Jack and her becoming something more was just a remnant of an old dream. Now here he was, though, and she wasn’t sure if she was more scared or excited.   
   
“We had,” she finally said. “But…”  
   
He shook his head, pulled her up before he got up, too. They were standing so close she could feel the warmth of him, had to crane her neck a bit to meet his gaze.  
   
“No more buts…”  
   
He leaned in, his lips meeting hers in a slow kiss. They had kissed before, more than once and most of the time it had been kisses fuelled with passion and the despair of the knowledge that they were tasting the forbidden fruit. This one was tender, their lips barely touching. Unconsciously, she placed one of her hands over his heart, could feel it beat under the palm of her hand.  
   
Before they could deepen the kiss, he pulled away a little, their foreheads resting against each other.  
   
“Just so we’re clear. I want you. To date you. To be with you.”  
   
She laughed out, felt a bit giddy. “I get it, you want to be my boyfriend.”  
   
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up.”  
   
He kissed her again, this time tugging at her lower lip with his teeth. She parted her lips for him, their tongues meeting, which made her moan out quietly. There was something about this man, his kisses that made her an addict.   
   
Soon, their desire overwhelmed any idea of taking it slow, and they stumbled onto her couch in a tangle of limbs which had them both laugh out. 

The few times she had allowed herself to picture this, it had been slow love making. It obviously wasn’t meant to be, not this time. They fumbled with their clothes, unwilling to stop kissing each other, the need to join almost desperate.   
   
The wait had been too long, and for once, with nothing holding them back, they were allowed to lose their head, let their feelings dictated their actions.   
   
There would be slow. Maybe later.  
   
There would be a later, and that was all that counted.  

The End.


End file.
